Memories Of My Great-Gran
This article is pending translation.
A year ago September my great-gran fell out of bed and broke her hip. She ended up in hospital having an operation to put her hip back in place it was touch and go whether she would make it through the operation considering she was 94-years-old.
After leaving Prince Charles hospital my gran was then transferred to Aberdare hospital in order for her to undertake physical therapy before coming home. When she came home I used to go to her house to keep her company before the carers came to give my gran her dinner and tablets.
Christmas time last year as a surprise for my mum's 50th birthday I booked a holiday to Cyprus for a week over New Year. In order to go on holidays my gran had to go into a Nursing Home, whilst in the Nursing Home she developed Pneumonia and was then moved to a care home where her health deteriorated even more.
When my gran was ill I used to sit with her for an hour and we used to talk all the time about my College course and how she was proud of me for going to University. She always said to me “I’m going to see you graduating” . But sadly she is never going to see me graduate or get married, which I’m sad about but I know she is guiding me on in my second year in University. She will be there in my heart and in spirit when I graduate and eventually get married.
Another conversation we had was on the television programme The Jeremy Kyle Show, she loved that show and she was always asking me if I watched it. I always said “no" because I was either sleeping, in college or in placement at the time it was on. She was forever calling me Pam [my mum’s name] or Dawn [my auntie's name] or Christine [my aunty and also her daughter's name]. I sometimes answered her but I sometimes said I’m Victoria gran, not whoever she had called me at that particular time.
I went to visit her once in the Care Home and as soon as I walked through the door her face lit up and she smiled at me, she took hold of my hand tightly and wouldn’t let go. When it was time for me to go she didn’t want me to, she just kept hold of my hand tightly and she said to me “ I thought you was going” I replied “I can’t go you have hold of my hand” so she dropped my hand and said “you can go now”.
Towards the end of January she sadly passed away which was a blessing for her, on the Saturday before she died I decided to pluck up the courage to go and see her because this could be the last time, and as it turned out it was the last time, I’m glad I did go, even though I didn’t want to go at first. When the day of the Funeral came I was asked to read a poem at her Service. I picked a lovely poem called ‘Let Me Go’ . Whilst reading this poem I broke down in tears and had to be comforted by my cousin who read the Eulogy.
Its only now that I’m going back to Cyprus that I remember all the guilt I felt for my gran dying in a Care Home instead of in her house. I feel guilty because it’s my fault in the first place that she had to go into a Nursing Home. If I didn’t book the holiday to Cyprus as a surprise for my mum then she could possibly still be here now. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help feeling that I somehow contributed to her death earlier than she possibly could have died.
Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the road, and the sun has set for me I want no rites in a gloom-filled room, why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little, but not for long and not with head bowed low remember the love that once we shared miss me, but let me go. For this is the journey we all must take and each must go alone. It’s all part of the master plan a step on the road to home. When you are lonely and sick at heart go the friends we know laugh at all the things we used to do miss me, but let me go. When I am dead my dearest sing no sad songs plant thou no roses at my head nor shady cypress tree be the green grass above me with showers and dewdrops wet and if thou wilt remember and if thou wilt, forget I shall not see the shadows, I shall not fear the rain I shall not hear the nightingale sing on as if in pain and dreaming through the twilight that doth not rise nor set, haply may I remember, and haply may forget.
I miss her every single day and I don’t stop thinking about her ever. I love you loads gran and I know that you're always looking after me even though you’re gone