Dear World: Thinking
This article is pending translation.
Believe it or not, I am part of the human race. Pretty sure I'm losing, mind.
And like other humans, I have the ability to think.
Unfortunately, I think too much. I over analyse everything, and I doubt I'm the only one to do so.
I wish I could say that when I think, I think about the big questions in life. I wish I could say that I ponder about the universe's biggest questions, or wonder what would be the best way to end world hunger.
But no. I just lie on my bed, thinking about things that don't really matter. Things like how someone talked or reacted to me the other day, to see if there was any subliminal messages that I should have picked up but was oblivious to see it at the time.
A perfect example of this happened a month or so ago, where I finally gained the confidence to do something which I'm not going to state at this point in time. Such a tease, me.
After doing that thing I'm not going to talk about, I was happier than I've ever been, even if what happened was a rather small success for me. Things where looking up, in ways that I dare imagine.
All through the night, I caught myself laughing to nobody, baffled at the fact that failure did not crash the party.
But then, the next day, as I travelled to a location I again will not disclose (you'll have to wait for the autobiography for that, and yes I am joking), I pondered about the happenings of the night before, and an old friend returned to great me with flowers of confusion.
That friend? Doubt. He's like Cher, no surnames or anything like that.
Many wild "what if?" questions appeared, as if I walked into a dark cave without any Super Repels. "What if the only reason that happened is so they where being polite?" "What if they didn't realise what I meant?" "What if they just said anything to not make the situation awkward?" "What if they only said that so I wouldn't feel as lonely?"
By the time I arrived at my destination, doubt had convinced me that I had done nothing of note. All I had done was make an absolute fool of myself, opening a cat door of my feelings only to be unsure if it was accepted or not.
It felt like doubt just destroyed any confidence I had built up to even do the thing in the first place. It took me an hour or so to convince myself to do it, and I was a bumbling mess during.
After, I felt as if nothing could break me, that if anything tried to ruin my mood, I could just flip them off and walk on by knowing I did something I never thought possible.
But, as I do with every single thing in life, I think about it too much. I ended up convincing myself that all I did was show this person that I'm a freak, an inexperienced person who is too shy to be direct.
I'm sorry, my dear world. You might be confused why I'm not just saying what happened. Let's just say it'll make things a lot easier in the long run if I don't say.
I'm rather unsure what I'm trying to say, either. All I know is that even if I do something that I consider mildly successful, my mind finds a way to destroy it. Which, in turn, destroys any confidence I have in being social.
I know I'm not unique with this. I'm not claiming that I'm the alpha in over-thinking. And yes, I know it's not a healthy thing to do. But, what can I do?
I thank ye, world.